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| Words to Parent By |
Ten words and phrases to be used at least once a
day
by Vera Lane and Dorothy Molyneaux
1. Thank you. It's important to acknowledge your child's efforts
to help you or others. You might say: "Thanks for helping me look for that
missing sock" or "Thanks for setting the table; I got the salad made
while you were doing that."
"Saying 'thank you' communicates that you see and
acknowledge your child-a wonderful thing to let him know," says Heidi
Feldman, chief of the division of general academic pediatrics at Children's
Hospital, in Pittsburgh. "A child is much more likely to try to please a
parent who acknowledges his contribution and his thoughtful, helping
behavior."
2. Tell me more.
Words like these show your child that you are listening and that you would like
to hear more about what's on her mind. "Tell me more" encourages
conversation without passing judgment or giving immediate advice-two responses
that discourage further communication from your child.
3. You can do it.
Your expression of confidence in your child's ability to do many things without
your help is important. A toddler can respond to, "You're getting to be
such a big boy. Pretty soon you'll be able to get dressed all by yourself."
As your child grows older, there will be many times when your encouragement will
mean the difference between his giving up on a challenging task to seeing it
through.
4. How can I help?
Let your child know you are willing and available to help her accomplish a
particular task that may be difficult for her to manage on her own. You might
say: "I think you can read that story by yourself now. Let me know if you
need help with a new word."
As your child takes on projects in school, encourage her
to think of specific steps that are necessary to complete a project. You both
can decide which tasks your child can handle on her own and which ones she'll
need help with.
5. Let's all pitch in.
A child is never too young to learn that cooperation and team effort make many
jobs easier and speedier-and often more fun: "Let's all pitch in and finish
raking the leaves so we can go in and bake cookies," or "Let's all
pitch in and clean up or we'll miss the movie." Family activities and group
chores can develop into pleasant rituals that enrich a child's life and create
fond memories.
6. How about a hug?
Don't just tell your child you love him-show him. Research indicates that young
children deprived of physical touch and displays of affection often fail to
thrive. Tiffany Field, director of the Touch Research Institute at the
University of Miami, says this: "Touch is as essential to the growth and
well-being of a child as diet and exercise." As children grow older, they
vary in the ways they like us to show affection. Some love to be cuddled, while
others prefer a quick hug or pat on the shoulder. It's important to be aware of
what your child enjoys most at a particular age.
7. Please. After all these years, "please" is still a
classic. When you ask a favor of anyone-including children-this "magic
word" acknowledges that you are asking for a behavior that will help you
and/or make you happy. (P.S. Don't forget to say "thank you" when the
job is done.)
8. Good job. Good for you. Self-respect and self-confidence grow
when your child's efforts and performance are rewarded. Whenever possible, give
your child lots of praise. Be sure your praise is honest and specific. Focus on
your child's efforts and progress, and help her identify her strengths.
9. It's time to... "It's
time to get ready for bed," or "do homework," or "turn off
the TV." Young children need structure in their daily lives to provide a
measure of security in an often insecure world. It is up to you as a parent to
establish and maintain a workable schedule of activities, always remembering
that children benefit from regular mealtimes and bedtimes.
10. I love you. Everyone needs love and affection and a feeling of
acceptance and belonging. We can't assume that children know and understand our
love for them unless we tell them. "A child must feel very, very
loved," says Feldman. "It's one of the most important things."
Letting your child know that you love him (and showing him with countless hugs)
is important not only in toddlerhood, but as he gets older too.
Five words or phrases to be used under special
circumstances.
1. I'm sorry. Parents need to acknowledge their own mistakes and
express regret whenever they cause their child unhappiness or distress.
"I'm sorry I got soap in your eyes," or "I'm sorry I wasn't
listening; tell me again," or "I'm sorry I can't read any more stories
to you; I have to make a phone call now." By expressing your sincere
regret, you are showing your child that you are being considerate of her
feelings and providing her with a model of good behavior as well.
2. No. "No, don't do that; you might hurt
someone," or "No, we don't behave that way," or "No, we
don't have enough money to buy that." "Many parents have a hard time
saying 'no' to their child," says David DeMaso, a child and adolescent
psychiatrist and clinical director of the department of psychiatry at Children's
Hospital in Boston. "But these kids grow up without knowing how to respond
to limits." DeMaso notes that parents can provide their child with some
freedom of choice (for instance, let your child pick out his own outfit, or let
him decide what he'd like to eat for lunch), but be prepared to set boundaries.
3. That's enough.
"That's enough TV," or candy, or roughhousing, or arguing. This phrase
sets limits and paves the way for your child to develop a sense of self-control.
Sometimes a "time-out" period is necessary if your limits have been
reached and your child isn't responding to the verbal message you are trying to
send.
4. How do you suppose she feels? Asking this question
provides an opportunity for your child to consider the effects of her actions on
another person, and it gives her the chance to develop empathy toward others.
When you and your child read stories or watch TV shows together, look for
opportunities to talk about the feelings of others.
5. This isn't working. Can you think of another way?
Considering alternative ways of behaving in difficult situations is one of the
steps of problem solving—an important skill that is useful throughout life.
How you respond to problems that arise in daily life, at home, or at work
provides a model of behavior for your child. Aside from these key words and
phrases, you may want to add others that are relevant to your specific family
situation. For example, families with religious convictions may want to add a
prayer of thanks to God before meals and a bedtime prayer to their lists.
How to Say It
Communicating with your child involves more than the
words and phrases you use. What you are saying will be more effective if you:
- Try to speak to your child in a
pleasant tone of voice instead of an angry one.
- Speak in a light conversational tone
instead of yelling. If you do end up yelling, apologize to your child.
- Take the time to really communicate
with your child instead of rushing through a conversation.
- Devote your full attention to your
child when she is talking to you, and try not to let your mind wander.
- Use facial expressions that
correspond to the words you're speaking and the emotions you're feeling.
- Let your love and respect for your
child guide your words and actions.
- Let the responsibility of being a
parent be reflected in your willingness to take control when it's necessary.
- Smile more often than you frown.
Vera Lane, Ph.D., is
associate dean and Dorothy Molyneaux, Ph.D., is professor emerita at the San
Francisco State University College of Education. They are specialists in
child-language development and family communication. This article originally
appeared in Healthy Kids magazine.
www.pta.org
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